Determining Self Worth

Achievements; attachment to outcomes, or attachment to circumstances & other people’s reactions often determine our self worth. Yet this is false self worth. So I have been pondering what is true self worth?

Many times I have heard or read that humans have to know their own worth before they can create a happy, healthy life. To know they are worthy by just being born, as they are part of All-That-Is or source energy. They needed to trust themselves over others, by listening to their inner wisdom/voice. To thine own self be true….I understand this and do not doubt it is true, but it did get me thinking…..

So, I have been contemplating how a person can develop self worth if they never had any to begin with? What if they only ever had developed false self worth? Or if they are in a very low place i.e. homeless or without a job or without family support- how can they develop or maintain a healthy self worth? How can you develop or trust a quality you maybe never experienced? Or what if, maybe they have have been swamped by other overwhelming emotions and experiences that has diminished or extinguished their self worth?

If a person had a self worth history they could draw upon to remind themselves of their worth. Or had enough security in life, as far as having financial security, or health, or family and friend support, I can see how they can develop their own inner sense of worth from a (semi)stable foundation. (Not that having any of these guarantees true self worth - there are many rich people with false self worth)But how does a person develop self worth on an unstable base, without even semi security?

I imagine it would be very difficult to have faith or trust in a higher self or the universe, if there was nothing to hold onto? How can faith be attained without significant doubt in cases like this? How do you develop unshakable faith in midst of uncertainty? (I would love to know how to develop unshakable faith? My faith can be subject to self doubts at times.)

Or what if you had security and a sense of self worth, then everything was stripped away, so you were left standing on, a metaphorical, shaky ground in the middle of a demolition site that stretched as far as they eye could see?

How then does one (re)develop a sense of healthy self worth?

I began pondering this when I found myself in a life situation that felt a bit like being dumped in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, not knowing which way was closest to shore. I found myself turning inwards to a much greater degree than I already was. I found myself striving to have faith & trust in my inner wisdom. Allowing myself to feel all the resistance and blocks to my inner wisdom that arose. One of these blocks of resistance was the doubt that the universe really had my back. I kept fearing, ‘What if it didn’t? What if there is order & structure to life except for me? What if I am unconsciously sabotaging and the sabotaging part of me is only happy when I am feeling unsafe?’ I felt I had a sense of my inner wisdom and had previous evidence of it. But what if someone didn’t have any past history to draw upon? What then?

Twice recently someone commented to me that I perhaps was relying on external validation. This throw away line said twice quickly, one week apart by the same person, was noticed by me. I became curious. I always felt I was aware of not tying my self worth to achievements or material possessions. But, when I looked deeper I realised that I had a pattern to watch other’s reactions in certain situations, to get evidence of the truth of a situation for myself. I knew I used to do this a lot when young, as I had a father who would say something was the opposite to what I said. So I would gather evidence to see if I was seeing reality ‘right’ or if he was. I thought I had healed this decades ago. But I realised there was still a sneaky piece of this old pattern still unconsciously exerting an influence in my life….but now I was onto it. I had been made aware of its presence. Then I questioned if perhaps I might have a false sense of self worth? Curious, I self examined still deeper.

In the past many of us gained what we thought was self worth from our achievements. But many times it can be discovered in therapy that these turn out to be hollow, as the self worth is attached to the achievement. Take away the achievement & often the self worth is absent. In fact it many times can be demonstrated that the lack of self worth drives achievement. Not always, but often in somatic therapy it is found to be the root cause of the presenting life issues.

I know there is something greater than us. I can see a pattern to life as it unfolds. I see and hear this in the life stories of others - the hand of a higher consciousness. But I also know our own shadow (or ego or unconscious patterns- all the same thing)- loves to prove itself right by creating chaos, disorder & blocking the inner wisdom. Our shadow if unacknowledged can create such turmoil in our lives it seems as if there is no inner wisdom guiding us…the experiences that show up ‘prove’ that to our doubting selves. Yet, quantum science & spirituality both talk about how we only see what we believe. Others merely mirror back to us what we are emitting with our beliefs. What if you do not believe you have self worth?

I also pondered whether this blocking of the ability to access our inner wisdom was perhaps because of an unconscious fear of the power of our own soul / higher self, if we truly surrendered to it? Was allowing the universal energy to flow unimpeded through us so we could all feel mostly joy, inner peace & unconditional love and as a result experience a life of miraculous abundance, too scary? Why would such a life be deemed scary?

I questioned these questions as they arose in my mind, ‘Could I be scared of my SELF? Was I perhaps addicted to suffering, pain, struggle & failure?’ All possible.

So I returned to contemplating how a person who either never has experienced self worth in their life, or a person who had everything stripped away from them could possibly (re)develop self worth?

If someone never knew what worth felt like or looked like, how could they create it? Maybe the answer is obvious and simple to you? That’s ok, maybe I have had to wrestle with this question just for me? Maybe I am pondering as part of my deeper inner questioning lately? Maybe I was just stuck for a Substack post this week?

So, I had another thought while reading something about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I asked myself what thoughts, emotions, sensations & behaviours I would feel to attempt to help someone answer this question about what true self worth was to them, if they never had experienced any.

I imagined what thoughts a person who felt worthy of love & a good life might think - ‘I am enough’, ‘I am loveable’, ‘I matter’, ‘I am useful’, ‘I am supported’.

I then imagined what it might feel like to feel worthy. What would I feel in the body? I noted I thought it would feel, calm, peaceful, as if being held by an angel. I would feel respected. I would not be bothered by the judgements or opinions about me from others. I noticed also the absence of fear & anxiety. I realised I would feel trust and have faith that the universe had my back.

Then I wondered, how would I hold my body if I felt worthy? I would sit and stand tall, as if confident, to allow the life energy to be received & flow easily without being blocked. I would allow my posture to be open and relaxed. I would hold my head up and look others in the eye.

I knew I would provide my body with great care by feeding it with nutritious food, exercising or some other physical activity I enjoyed. I would ensure I rested and slept.

Then I wondered if others would do this or these were just my own way of showing myself self worth? For I already do all these things, although I will admit to a few thoughts of self doubt and fear at times. But I am aware of these…and awareness is vital in changing and integrating the unconscious energies.

Of course, I am imagining a person who never felt self worth, they could not do all these steps at once, it would be overwhelming. Possibly even sensory overload. But rather small pieces of these steps could be tried out until they ‘fit’ or became easier and more familiar. The old one small step at a time adage. Change one small thing at a time. Small changes can accumulate into big changes down the road.

Notice what happens when you try on one of these steps. Notice how it felt..then try another….noticing, acknowledging & celebrating every minor or major achievement on the road to eventual true self worth. This helps to reinforce the new patterns. For developing self worth is a bio plasticity nervous system rewiring self-hack.

Back to my new found awareness that an old pattern had resurfaced in a slyer form. I realised I still, in a particular circumstance, watch other’s reactions to gauge if I am ‘ok’. Lightbulb moment.

In spiritual circles & gaining more traction in science (observer effect) is the fact others mirror our inner world. We all have mirror neurones. It is often how we learn, by watching others & a little image of them is in our mind as we do so. It is how I was thinking I was using my mirror neurones.

But we also have set frequencies and vibrations, depending on the emotions we are feeling. We emit these. Others pick these up, usually, below the level of awareness and reflect them back to us. For example when we are angry we often encounter lots of other situations and people that reinforce this anger. If we are happy and feeling loving we often see the world through this filter and others respond accordingly & w attract happy loving situations. If we are smiling as we walk, then a stranger often smiles back, as they pass.

What I realised was that if I was feeling doubt and uncertainty in a situation, I was watching others and how they reacted, to gauge my own worth and ‘rightness’. It is supposed to be the other way around. I have to develop my own sense of worth, peace, love, joy etc and feel it and others would reflect it back. It has to start with me first.

So this leads me back to my original reason for pondering this question about self worth. If I was doubting myself in this situation, had I ever had self worth in this way before, or had I based my self worth on a faulty base relying on the reactions and opinions of others? (My assumption was also that maybe we can have true self worth in some areas of our lives but not others….)

Either way, I was determined to change this. So I am now aware I do this, so that is the biggest first step to change. Now I have to practice in this situation to feel worthy, peaceful, joyful or loving FIRST and see what gets reflected back to me. Then I will know my truth. But that then leads to a new question. What exactly is truth anyway? Is it individual or is there a universal component? That will be answered some other day…

If you have any insights to share about how to develop true self worth…please let me know in the comments….